muggy day thoughts

Tonight as I sit here on my couch, I'm thinking of how much I used to love blogging. Every night, after dinner, I would trek downstairs to my office and write. At the very least, I would read all the blog entries from my blog friends and see how they were all doing. My now ex husband used to get so pissy about going downstairs into the office each evening. I am convinced that's how I stayed with him for so long. He was a clingy so and so and it was a difficult thing for me.

I still find myself thinking about blogging quite often but never seem to make myself sit down and do it. This evening, my sweet man is resting, my two, still at home daughters are otherwise occupied and I'm waiting for the Olympic trials to start so here I am.

I have finished my first quarter of college. I earned an A in English 101 (not just an A either, but the highest grade in my class A) and a B+ in Algebra. Not bad, but disappointing to me anyway. I wanted all A's dammit. My second quarter begins in two days. I will be taking English 102 online, Psychology and Yoga. In the summer. The quarter lasts 8 weeks and I'm anxious to get on with it. The financial aid that will show up on Monday is a good thing too.

Grrr...money. What the hell is up with me? My unemployment ran out right after I started school. So here I am with considerably less money than I thought I'd have and it's tight. I can't seem to get anyone to hire me and I am clueless about what to do honestly. I keep telling myself it will all work out because that's what happens. Things work out. But I have been feeling very discouraged and unsure of myself.

Once I have my nursing degree, I know I'll have a job. It's the getting there that is a struggle right now. I'm just at the beginning of this journey and I'm not getting any younger. It's also not helpful at the moment that my wonderful, sweet man is worried about money and in pain so he's grumpy and I just want it to be quiet but have grumbling going on around me. Adds to my stress level. Sigh...

Peace.

babies, batteries and. . .

The sweetest granddaughter on the planet came to visit Saturday. I love that child! My youngest daughter doesn't feel the same way. The significant other was a bit abrupt with her as well. I don't understand. The youngest girl doesn't like childen, has sworn to never have any and claims they are stupid. I say "Whatever. Don't have children if you don't want children." The significant other, however, just irritated me by being grumpy with her. I realize I can't do anything about them though and I love that grandchild so much. She will visit as often as I can have her and those other two can suck it. That would be how I feel today. Ha!

Batteries...mine died. Grrr... My car is 8 years old. I've owned it for 7 of those. It's completely paid for so I don't gripe. Much. When I attempted to start it last night after stopping at Dairy Queen, nothing. We push started it by popping the clutch and today it's deader than dead.

Three calls, one trip to W.almart, a haphazard attempt to remove the thing without proper tools and I'm ready to stop for today. The significant other practically bit my head off when I said it needed to wait. Again with the grrrr... I love that man. He is one of the sweetest, kindest men I know. That said, when he gets antsy, he can be a bit...overbearing. God bless him. I had to disconnect for a bit so came here to get it all down for now.

English 101 in an hour. The chosen topic for my research paper is The G.reen Mar.ket. Food is a class issue. Who can afford all the "gre.en" products coming on the market? Not me, that's for sure. It will be an interesting subject for the next week or so. I'm looking forward to it.

The sun is out and I must stop at the bank branch on campus so I'm out for now.

Peace.

wicked...algebra

Today I got the results from my first algebra test in more than 32 years. When I left the classroom last Thursday, I thought it had seemed too easy. Today I learned there was a reason it seemed easy. I had no clue what I was doing. I knew when I began this back to school thing, I would have up days and down days mixed in with all the run of the mill, ordinary ones. Today I just wanted to cry. So, I did. A bit anyway.

When I woke up this morning I had a song in my head by the group American called Tin Man. The lyric in my head was "And Oz never did give nuthin' to the Tin Man, that he didn't, didn't already have." I don't know where that song came from but one thing led to another and I ended up listening to the song Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked all the way to school. And back. And now while I'm writing. And in a few moments when I start doing homework.

The words of this song touch my heart in ways I can't explain. It's like whoever wrote the song knew that at this point in history, in my life, I would need these lyrics to keep me going. They feel like my anthem. "I'm through accepting limits because someone says they're so."

So, as sad and overwhelmed as I feel right now, onward and upward we go. I'm going to keep trying to defy gravity and get through this school work even if it keeps trying to proverbially kill me.

Peace.

learning, learning, learning...

I'm in school. Whoa. I have so much to write about and my energy is non-existent. I took a class this weekend about self esteem. During the class, the instructor talked about learning new things and how it changes our brains. When we are learning new things our brains make new mylon (how do I spell that?) sheath and that is hard work. Thus the exhaustion. So, all that said, I will attempt to write more. I want to write every day or two. I'm sure I will again have some kind of energy that can be devoted to something that doesn't look like school work. Peace.

seven years...

Seven years ago today my dad's spirit took flight.

I got the call at about 6 a.m. He was gone. As I called into work to report what I knew would be several days of absence, I began to shake. Not because he was gone really. More because I knew what I would be walking into when I arrived at my parent's home.

He was still in his chair. It looked like he was sleeping. My mom had just woken up and my aunts were telling her he was gone. He'd waited until she went to bed before he left. She was not amused.

I can still see the image of her kneeling next to his chair; her head against his; talking quietly to him. If I were an artist, I would draw it so others could see the tenderness I saw.

It was just about the only beautiful moment of the whole experience.

My family began arriving and anyone who knows them knows it wasn't a good thing. Ah well, many years have passed since then and my mom is gone too. I don't miss him. I just remember.

There is a new song by R.ascal F.latts called "Chang.ed". It has gotten me thinking alot about that time seven years ago and I want to write about it. I hope I will. But not today.

Peace.

one more time with feeling...

Seven years ago today I began blogging for the first time.

I had just come from my parent's home and watched my dad behave as a little boy unable to zip his jacket by himself. We'd been told he had weeks to live.

It turned out to be 5 more days.

I loved blogging. I loved the writing. The connecting with others. The process. The encouragement and friendships. I loved it all. I've tried to begin again several times with little success.

Now, today, my first day of college, I'm hopeful I will have reason or energy even to get it all down. We shall see.

Onward and upward.